DTA signs youngest member yet

4/08/2002

DTA Wire

Don't Tell Anna signed one of the youngest improv players ever to a professional contract this past weekend.  "If the NBA can do it why can't we?", advised director Ann Guszkowski.  "She is the next Kobe Bryant!"

It is rumored that Nora signed a three year deal with the troupe worth over $27.3 million.  This is the highest pay day for a DTA member since Taylor drank half a can of a audience member's Pepsi during the last show.

Six Things You Can Use Besides the Word Gap

3/19/2002

By:  Anonymous Faber

Six Things has always been a favorite among many Don't Tell Anna members.  It gets the crowd excited with its close guesses and charade-like explosions.  Yet how close do the guessers really get to the suggestions.  So many times the audience will allow a synonym to slip by here or there.  This is usually the case, but, on Saturday March 16, 2002, a day which will live in infamy, the audience wanted the exact word.

It started out just like any other show.  The cast was excited, Houser took upon a loud but non-offensive character, Danny stuck his tongue out of his mouth and yelled "Yeahhhh", Mr. Smith rhymed, but on the last game something was afoot.

Elizabeth End, the veteran guesser and DTA member, went up against the short and useless Jason Faber in the explosive (and by explosive I mean totally sweet) game, Six Things.  Back and forth they went in a wild guessing frenzy that put the Olympian gods to shame, when suddenly they found themselves both stuck on the same suggestion.  The deciding word:  gap.

But what is a gap really.  Merriam and Webster define it as a : break in a barrier (as a wall, hedge, or line of military defense) b : an assailable position 2 a : a mountain pass.  Now at no point did Elizabeth or Jason use the phrase "You're brushing your teeth with Father Graham in the mountain pass between Mark's teeth", nor did they spout off, "Hey, you're brushing your teeth with Father Graham in an assailable position between Mark's teeth."  No, they used such unknown words as division, or space, or area, or happy place.  Such odd and rarely used words were not good enough for the audience.  No...they wanted a gap.  The players tried their best...Danny even mimiced a worker at the Gap.  But then again it could have been Structure or JC Penny's.  No...gap was definitely a word that the guessers would have to earn.  Finally, Elizabeth End, touched by God (or maybe just plain reason) let forth the mighty word from her lips and the game was over.  In the end we all learned something.  We learned that if one makes a crocodile movement and then drinks it means gatorade.  We learned that we should never use a straight razor if you're only eight inches tall.  We learned that platonic love can exist between two grown men.  But most importantly, we learned that the audience demands that we use the correct English terminology in our games.  So be it.....but you know what if I ever meet an English major who corrects me when I use division or area instead of gap...I'm going to shake his or her hand...and then kick them in the face.

Just for the record the Collegiate Thesaurus says that a synonyms for gap are:  breach, break, discontinuity, hole, opening, and that very closely related words are: fracture, rupture; chink, cleavage, cleft, crack, crevice, fissure, slit, slot; division, interspace, interval, separation; aperture, cranny, orifice.  Thank you for your time ladies and gentlemen and remember.  It's not what you do, it's just if you use the right words.

Mr. Muskie memories

3/3/2002

Sometime this March or April is going to be the most important date ever for this year.  Yeah, you definitely guessed wrong, the day I'm talking about is the contest for Mr. Muskie 2K2.  Mr. Muskie is the greatest contest known to all of
mankind, because it declares annual king of Xavier University, which is of course the center of the universe.  And that is really cool.

Unfortunately, with the declaration of a new king, a former king is kicked to the curb and then buried in smelly trash and diaper juice.  And this man is a young lad known to most as John Houser, an upstanding member of the Don't Tell Anna community.  When asked about giving away his crown this year to another Musketeer, Houser stated, "I'm not looking forward to the diaper juice, but it will be nice to once again be able to mingle among the common folk without fearing my assassination."  Last year Houser pulled off the victory in a thrilling contest, which came down to a sudden death question and answer round.  The highlight of his contest performance was a touching expression of
interpretive poetry titled "The Metamorphosis of the Butterfly."  Many people saw analogies between their own lives and the tribulations of the maturing caterpillar, and broke down in tears in mid-show.  "I'm here for the people,"
claims Houser, "my art is something that comes from my life and deep down in my deepest being, and I feel that I connected with many of the people in attendance, as well as all the caterpillars and butterflies that snuck into the
audience disguised as real people."

Always a breath-taking experience, all's that can be known about this year's upcoming performance is that it will be a great one, with enthralling drama and emotional self revelation.  Oh, and also that John can be found on the curb of Cleneay, covered in plenty of refuse and diaper juice.

End's streak comes to an...end

1/25/2002

Elizabeth End's three year streak as the Story champion was ended Friday January 25th by Will Smith.  End's streak ended with her first ever loss in the game.  "I won every game my first year," End advised, "and we didn't even play last year."  

It had come down to End and Smith as Mark Arminio's quick finger had taken down the cast one by one.  End could not respond to the quick lipped Smith's wild story and exited off the stage in disgust.  Smith fell to his knees and soaked in the applause before finishing the story.